How I became an F45 wanker for all the wrong reasons

This is not one of those blogs you read about the health benefits of exercise and how it dramatically changed my life.

It’s about how I became an F45 wanker, for all the wrong reasons.

Somehow, despite my love of a Maccas detour on the way to work I’ve turned into someone who sets their alarm at 5:35am and enjoys sweating with strangers. Who you do not have to talk to I might add. Everyone just pretends to be looking at the demo screen, trying not to notice that the communal yoga mat/bike seat/sandbag is covered in  other peoples sweat. Then in 45 minutes your done. Cooked.  

I joined F45 2 weeks before Christmas in the hope that I could eat and drink as much festive cheer as possible over the silly season, and not be reduced to wearing leggings as pants indefinitely. I smashed the one week trial and even considered doing double sessions just to get the most out of it. I had no intention of actually signing up. Then I got on the scales.

Originally I thought exercise would help me lose a few kegs. But, thus far I’ve only lost a kilo and to be honest I’m ok with it. I’ve thrown out all my belly tops and I’m not ashamed to say that I own more than one item from the Asos maternity range. Heaps comfy.

How I think I look in my activewear… from Kmart

But here I am paying a fortune to be yelled at and my 6 pack is still covered in cake! So how did I become one of those F45 wankers?!

First of all, it’s only 45 minutes. It’s not very long and you can just get in and get it done. Basically it takes the same amount of time to watch one episode of The Real Housewives of anywhere!

By doing the 6am class I’m home by 6.50am. Which means I then have 1 hour and 20 minutes to myself in the morning. That’s a like a lifetime to me. I make a coffee then sit on the couch and watch the morning shows in my knickers. Sometimes I even iron my work outfit. 

Also, I have a crush on one of the trainers. Because she never yells at me and only wants to talk shit about her weekend. 

Look I’m sure I’m getting fitter, losing weight (slowly) and prolonging my life span but I admit I became an F45 for all the wrong reasons.

This new found exercise enthusiasm is more of a shock to me than it is to you. I mean really, who wants to spend their wine budget on getting out of bed to jump off boxes?!

Me, apparently.

because: budget

I read a bloody good Mamamia article (You can follow the link here) this week written by a Sydney-based married millennial. Basically she documented her social, active, city living life by tallying up her total weekly spend. This did not include expenses just her ‘on the daily’ needs… and sometimes impulsive wants. I was gob smacked that her total weekly spend came to $1000 (remembering this is less expenses) until I realised I’m probably just as frivolous with my money. I decided to back track through my week and tally up my total weekly spend. Here’s what I got:
Monthly expenses:
Rent $800
Netflix $8.99
Myki $80
Phone $105
Health Insurance $72
Interweb $25
Adult braces $320
Total monthly expenses $1410.99

Get a coffee on the way to work and accidentally also order toastie $11
Pay for a hen’s day $40
Go into the city during my lunch break. Need to get back to work ASAP can’t wait for Uber, get a taxi instead $12
Grab a sandwich for lunch $8.90 (Literally just a turkey and dust sandwich – nothing else)
Go for drinks after work with my mate Bridget $12 (Thank god it’s still happy hour!)

Coffee $4 (Go to the good place as you’re a Melbourne coffee snob)
Get sushi for lunch then are disappointed when it comes to $17.00 (I should have just got a $10 souvlaki!)
Bottle of wine after work to drink while watching the footy, even though it’s pre season, with the boyfriend and his mates $12 (Don’t care if it’s full of sulphites, it’s on sale!)
Ice creams from the 7/11 on the way home from watching pre season footy $8

I’m determined to pack my lunch all next week. I need ingredients for avo on toast, tuna salad and almond meal zucchini fritters. Like an idiot I get everything from the organic section of the supermarket $41
On the way home from the supermarket realise I locked my keys in the flat. Housemate is overseas so have to call a locksmith. Pay $120 for the privilege of getting into my own flat.
Pay for another hen’s $100
Spend the night (like actually the whole night 7pm – 6am) at White Night, go for a walk at 3.30am to stay awake, get sliders from food truck (also shout my sister but eat her share of the chips) $16

Go to Maccas on way home from White Night. Devo when I discover they are only serving breakfast (I just wanted nuggets!). Get an Aussie breaky burger instead… and 2 hash browns $11
Sleep all day and don’t leave the house until 4.30pm spend $0 doing so (YES!)
Go to boyfriend’s for dinner, get the organic wine $18

Go to yoga but forget to bring a towel, mat, or water. Pay for class and hire of items $28
Need a coffee because I woke up at 5.30am to go to yoga $4.50 (get soy because I’m still pretending to be a flexitarian)
NEED new white t-shirt as I spilt olive oil on the one I just bought so have a quick look at ASOS… $46 later
Teach dancing in Yarraville after work and get an Uber home $23

Transfer money out of everyday account into my savings so I don’t spend my rent money – forget health insurance and Interweb is coming out. Get an overdrawn account fee $15 (… it used to be $9!)
Coffee $4.50 – Consider giving up coffee but I hardly eat meat I’m not giving up coffee as well!
Teaching in Yarraville again tonight another Uber $21

Coffee $4.50 (realise that soy is now $5.00 so just get a skinny flat white)
Go for a walk at lunch, fight the urge to get a Diet Coke… Get one anyway – it’s only $2.50
Read Mamamia article about Sydney woman who documents where her money goes over one week and realise this is a great idea. I then go to supermarket to buy coriander and tomatoes and end up spending $48
Buy a bottle of wine as well but finally sign up to Dan Murphy’s club card $12
Total Weekly Spend $619.90

I’m no accountant but it seems my lifestyle doesn’t match my income. Kind of like how my education doesn’t match my ambition or my crockery doesn’t match my apartment. I’ve heard about these people that track their spending and adhere to something called a budget..? And after actually seeing how much I spend weekly, on nothing, I’m likely to be implementing one. Maybe next week though…

I’m of the firm belief that money doesn’t buy happiness and having smashed avo on toast, e’ry day, is the ultimate meme, I mean dream.


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