Digital Detox Fail

Starting a digital detox on holiday wasn’t one of my better ideas. You need Google maps to win at life and how do you know where the nearest Burger King is?

bkAuckland
Exactly.

I believe you can no longer find a job, a house or a life partner without the use of the internet. Our lives are so tuned to using devices to access all of Google’s knowledge that the convenience of this once considered luxury is now just part of our all day e’ryday. And I can’t remember how I used to survive without constantly sourcing information from a cracked iPhone screen. Or how I used to wash my face before makeup wipes were a thing. 

So I suggested that, on our non adventurous one week holiday to New Zealand, the boyfriend and I spend one day (just one) doing a digital detox. No phones, tablets, computers, laptops or telly! I also stipulated that it wouldn’t happen on my birthday because I want to read all the nice things people write about me on my Facebook wall. We decide that Thursday could be a good day but by Tuesday we have already pushed it back to Saturday, because… well just because.

We quickly discover that travelling without the interweb requires a lot of research and planning and restricts the ability to discover accurate opening hours for the nearest Burger King. 

I really liked the idea of disconnecting from my digitally consumed life and being on holiday seemed the best place to be able to do so. In my mind I was going to be meditating and staring into Billy’s eyes for the best part of the day. But in reality I was sending emails from my iPad while simultaneously checking my Facebook notifications on my laptop while Billy was at the gym.

#digitaldetoxfail

 I was ill prepared in my pursuit of digital detox success. But here’s what I learnt:

 5 tips to achieve Digital Detox Success

Don’t do it on holiday

Rule one. Don’t do it on a day where you need to use the interweb. Just don’t.

A lazy Sunday or one of those boring days between Christmas and New Year, that would be a good day to attempt a digital detox. Choose a day where you don’t have to answer anyones emails, texts, Instagram tags or dick pics.

Shit to do

Make a plan. Sort out what you are going to do for the day and make it either enjoyable or productive. Go for breakfast, colour in, jog around the park, spend the day with your mother in-law, try and remember your MyGov password without reset prompts (this is a joke – DO NOT attempt this because you will fail). You’ll have a better chance of digital detox success if you are occupied and kept busy.

Wear a watch

Buy yourself a watch. Or if you already have one then wear it and use it to tell time. I’m very guilty of this. Sometimes I’ll be sitting at my computer, looking at screen, and I know the time is ALWAYS displayed in the bottom right hand corner. But I reach over to my phone, illuminate the cracked glass and see that it’s only 3 minutes since I last checked my phone. I have no missed calls, eBay notifications or unsolicited dick pics! Sigh. Wanting to know the time is just an excuse to check my phone. 

Wear a watch.

Sephora rewards system

Ultimately the reward of a digital detox is that you can spend time with yourself and others without digitally infused distractions. But there is nothing wrong with a bit of a incentive in the form of a reward. And best that this rewards system that is a deterrent and at the same time somewhat beneficial. For example I negotiated that if Billy were to accidentally grab his phone, turn it on, use his fingerprint to open the security feature and view a golf related YouTube tutorial I would receive a reward for not doing that. Each digital detox fail equates to $5 Sephora dollars.

*Sephora dollars can be redeemed via goods listed in a preprepared word document which will be emailed to the boyfriend who is currently on his way to Vegas for a “work conference”.

Tell your mates

Inform people of your plan to spend the day without the use of intellectual property belonging to Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or that rich bloke Miranda Kerr just married. As I learnt, if you tell every person you know that you are doing a: ‘Digital Detox’ they are going to ask you how it went. So if you fail, as I did, then you’ll wish you hadn’t banged on about it for a week leading up to the event. Tell your mates and make a commitment to yourself. That will ensure you’re more likely to attempt, persist and succeed.

I’m basically Anthony Robbins over here!

AnthonyRobbins

Never give up, giving up.

I may have stolen this from an advertising campaign that is aimed at highlighting a practice that is slightly more damaging to your health than electronic devices, but the message is still relevant.

Never give up, giving up electronic device addiction. 
I tried to do a whole day of digital detox and only made it through a breakfast and a 4 hour car trip (even if we did use Google maps as a navigational device on said car trip). I’ll attempt to do another digital detox and this time I’ll be better prepared. 

Maybe I’ll do it on one of those boring days between Christmas and New Year… After I’ve have read all the nice things people have written about me on my Facebook wall. 

 

 

 

Thailand Bikini Body

Day 3 of my holiday and I bought myself a pair of elasticated soft shorts, because I no longer care about my Thailand bikini body.

Actually, I’m not sure I ever really did. My commitment to the gym, for lack of a better word, is shitful. I only go maybe twice a week. Maybe. Even though it’s recommended I attend at least 3 sessions, and that pay $50, per week! I only go on a Saturday morning so I can treat myself to a naughty breakfast. You know the most expensive item on the menu with hollandaise, brioche, bacon and at least 2 overpriced coffees… Alright and a mimosa.

Also, I’m no longer afraid to eat bread or pasta and I physically can’t have a cup of tea without a biscuit. Needless to say hardly any lifestyle adjustments were made in securing a ‘Thailand bikini body’.

In fact there were none.

However, there is a repercussion of failing to secure a Thailand Bikini Body. My time spent sitting poolside in a bikini is reduced and this means I have to replace laying around (looking as if I’m one of those people who have a huge Instagram following) with activities.

Sigh.

The following list of activities can be found on TripAdvisor (this is not sponsored content… I’m just saying)

Activity 1: Cooking Class

Despite the look on my face I really enjoyed the Thai cooking class. It was very humid though and the heat was making me feel a bit faint (no doubt also participating in a holiday activity) so those cold beers were necessary. We did learn how to make 6 Thai dishes and they were bloody amazing! Best thing was we got to eat all the food! And that, is my favourite kind of holiday activity. I have also made an effort to pull my head in re: RBF*

rbf
Let’s do a Thai cooking class he said… It’ll be fun he said

Activity 2: Muay Thai Boxing

I have seen ‘Million Dollar Baby’ but that’s about as close as I have even got to a fight. In Thailand there are a lot of things you can buy for 100 baht and a front row seat at Muay Thai boxing match is just one of them. The warm up act was a regular boxing match and I’m pretty sure they found a Dutch tourist on the beach earlier that day whacked a helmet on him and paid him in cocktail buckets. The Muay Thai boxers were very entertaining and I was very impressed with their speed, agility and strength. But also with how helpful they were. Especially when I mistook one of them for a bartender and asked him where the bathroom was…

muaythai
Holiday face #2

Activity 3: Climbing a mountain to get to a lagoon (… I’m not even joking)

The word ‘adventure’ is seldom associated with me. So when I was asked to go kayaking I decided to be unpredicatable and say YES! Minutes later I’m throwing an adult tantrum in the kayak and demanding to go back to shore. As soon as my feet can touch land I walk up the beach and straight to the nearest bar. The boyfriend is dragging the kayak along the sand behind me… still laughing. Then to be even more unpredictable, 20 minutes later I agree to go climb a mountain. This mountain is much like the first season of Underbelly… once you start you don’t want to stop incase there is something better further on.  Having said that, when I found out I had to go down 3 unstable bamboo ladders I was tempted to just sit and wait for the others to go and come back. But I’m glad my ego encouraged me to persist because at the end of the there was a spectacular lagoon. It was absolutely stunning and I realised that this is why people travel.

halfway
#wanderlust

 

I have ruined my new pair of elasticated soft shorts, as I was wearing them on the mountain climb and they are now covered in red mud.
I have chaffing behind my knees… I didn’t even know that was possible… AND I didn’t even get alcohol and or food poisoning. Which would have been handy and may have been the only way to reach my goal of: Thailand bikini body.

Sigh.

Pass the Pad Thai, would ya.

*1: Resting Bitch Face – the natural facial expression of a bitch on holiday in Thailand

because: upthemurray

For the past 23 summers I have been sweating my bum off in a dance studio, arguing over the musical dynamics of a boto fogo and whose turn it was to make a cuppa. Now, I’ve just discovered that there is a whole community of people that spend their summers floating up and down the Murray River. Hanging off the back of speedboats. Riding jetskis and laying on inflatable beds shaped like animals and colourful summery food products. Spending entire days in the water and under the sun, loving their lives.
Then 10 young professionals (alright 9 … I hardly consider myself a young professional) from Melbourne turn up and hire a houseboat.
Even though I swore that I would never get on a boat ever (EVER!) again after the time I was a sailor disguised as an entertainer #cruiseshiplyfe, when the idea to spend a long weekend on a houseboat was presented to me, I disregarded the promise I had made to myself. I bought a wide brimmed hat, a bottle of sunscreen and googled: “Murray River safety concerns”. It was the day after Australia Day and a few of us a nursing hang overs but we had three eskies full of booze, a seven seater spa and an endless catalogue of games accessible via an app to look forward to. We divided the grocery list between us, packed Cards Against Humanity in case we need any extra entertainment and carpool to Echuca.

Salad Kween

I was appointed salad things as my job for the weekend. I took it very seriously and prepped and planned what I would serve. I carefully calculated how much of everything I would need and I even considered people’s food allergies and taste preferences. That’s a lie. I just got enough vegies, goats cheese and a pre-made potato salad for everyone. I was showing off a bit when I kicked off the first barbie with a mango and avo salad and then backed it up the next day with beetroot, sweet potato (which I baked) and goats cheese salad. After my previous failed attempt to make scones for this group, one of the boys turned to me and said:
‘You’re on salads from now on… No more desserts for you.’
#saladkween

Instant coffee and tomato sauce

After a discussion about ingredients required for espresso martinis, we realised there was no coffee anywhere on the entire boat. Not even in one of those fancy shower scrubs. Two days and 10 Melbourne coffee snobs without caffeine could result in some devastating outcomes. We searched online for anywhere to stop and have a coffee but that proved difficult and we ended up walking through a caravan park to find a little general store that sells everything from coffee to fishing bait to brake fluid. We gather our supplies then make our way back to the boat with tomato sauce, instant coffee and three kinds of alcohol for espresso martinis.
#melbournecoffeesnob

coffeeandsauce
Got bogged

I feel anxious about parking my push bike in a bike rack. So when it came to parking the house boat I just pretended to read my novel. But I was secretly watching intently and panicking on the inside. On the last day we stopped by a winery and while getting off the boat, avoiding the mud was near impossible I was still very excited to have a real coffee. Halfway through the tasting the waitress informed us that we were, in fact, parked in a space reserved for the paddle steamer. We claimed to have not seen the sign and a few of the boys go to move the houseboat while the rest of us continue to enjoy the wine. The boys eventually return after moving the houseboat twice and play down that it may be an issue on leaving. We all enjoy a great lunch and return to a bogged houseboat. Most people got behind the boat to push, except a few of us who are more concerned with uploading Snapchats and avoiding mud. Luckily a nice bloke on a jetski stopped to talk us through getting out of the mud otherwise we’d still probably be bogged up the Murray.
(no hashtag for this one)
We didn’t catch any fish and no one stayed up past midnight but it was such a ripper weekend. I never thought I would be the kind of person to spend a long weekend up the Murray, but maybe I am…
About a year ago, just after I started my new job in a corporate environment, I wrote a blog on personality types in the office. I described one of the “types” as people who save up to go on holidays to Thailand and up the Murray…

Now that’s me.
I’m that kind of person.
Loving my life.
#upthemurray

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