How I became an F45 wanker for all the wrong reasons

This is not one of those blogs you read about the health benefits of exercise and how it dramatically changed my life.

It’s about how I became an F45 wanker, for all the wrong reasons.

Somehow, despite my love of a Maccas detour on the way to work I’ve turned into someone who sets their alarm at 5:35am and enjoys sweating with strangers. Who you do not have to talk to I might add. Everyone just pretends to be looking at the demo screen, trying not to notice that the communal yoga mat/bike seat/sandbag is covered in  other peoples sweat. Then in 45 minutes your done. Cooked.  

I joined F45 2 weeks before Christmas in the hope that I could eat and drink as much festive cheer as possible over the silly season, and not be reduced to wearing leggings as pants indefinitely. I smashed the one week trial and even considered doing double sessions just to get the most out of it. I had no intention of actually signing up. Then I got on the scales.

Originally I thought exercise would help me lose a few kegs. But, thus far I’ve only lost a kilo and to be honest I’m ok with it. I’ve thrown out all my belly tops and I’m not ashamed to say that I own more than one item from the Asos maternity range. Heaps comfy.

How I think I look in my activewear… from Kmart

But here I am paying a fortune to be yelled at and my 6 pack is still covered in cake! So how did I become one of those F45 wankers?!

First of all, it’s only 45 minutes. It’s not very long and you can just get in and get it done. Basically it takes the same amount of time to watch one episode of The Real Housewives of anywhere!

By doing the 6am class I’m home by 6.50am. Which means I then have 1 hour and 20 minutes to myself in the morning. That’s a like a lifetime to me. I make a coffee then sit on the couch and watch the morning shows in my knickers. Sometimes I even iron my work outfit. 

Also, I have a crush on one of the trainers. Because she never yells at me and only wants to talk shit about her weekend. 

Look I’m sure I’m getting fitter, losing weight (slowly) and prolonging my life span but I admit I became an F45 for all the wrong reasons.

This new found exercise enthusiasm is more of a shock to me than it is to you. I mean really, who wants to spend their wine budget on getting out of bed to jump off boxes?!

Me, apparently.

Everything you need to know to survive the rest of ‘The Ashes’

One down, four to go.

Women all over Australia are experiencing the same awful truth. ‘The Ashes’ has returned for yet another year.


Despite being told it’s un-Australian, cricket season is the most dreaded summer activity for 95% of Australian women. Ok I made that up, but I’m prepared to add it to a Wikipedia page to increase credibility.  

Don’t take this the wrong way, but cricket is boring. And having it on the telly for the entire summer is worse than volunteering to host Xmas lunch with your in laws.

So with the completion of the first test, reluctantly, we are faced with 4 more test matches. Which means up to 20 more days of cricket. Yep, that many. So here’s everything you need to know to survive the rest of ‘The Ashes’.

There are 5 test matches per series and each is alternated between England and Australia. Always in the summer of the host country. This is purely so the telecast can be watched in the comfort of an air conditioned living room.

‘Shhh!’ Why do you have to be quiet when the cricket is on… it’s not like you’re going to miss anything!

When in Australia, the first test is held in Brisbane. The only good thing about this is the Gabba has introduced a Pool Deck inside the stadium. Where you can dip your toes, drink frothies and wait patiently for a marriage proposal.

Australia v England - First Test: Day 2
A potential marriage proposal is the only reason to go to the cricket.

Tickets to the 1st day of the Boxing Day test held in Melbourne are hotter than an all inclusive backstage pass to Beyonce. So if you happen across some, either gift them to your other half and regain the rights to your lounge room. Or sell them on eBay and use the cash to buy yourself a second telly.

The last day of ‘The Ashes’ series is held in Sydney on January 8th. Set a reminder in your phone now. Because after this date you’ll see cricketers in coloured kits instead of whites and that’s your cue to grab the remote and a bottle of wine. Your air conditioned telly rights have been returned and it’s time to binge watch Netflix

Up ↑