because: Melbourne coffee snob

Have you ever seen that movie: “It Could Happen to You”?

It’s where a simple looking, yet beautiful waitress is working in a diner and a friendly cop can’t afford to leave a tip so he promises to either return the next day and double the tip or split his potential lotto winnings. Long story short they win the lotto and fall in love.

This has never happened to me, but it reminds me of the time I had what is best described as a flirty barista. BTW, I’ve only ever won 9th division in Tattslotto and it was when I went in a syndicate with my immediate family. I made the executive decision to NOT split the winnings as I was the one doing all the leg work. It worked out well for me, I was up $17.

Anyway, years ago I worked at an office in Mulgrave and there was only one place to get a coffee and an over priced salad so, naturally, I was a regular. Every Friday the flirty barista would ask me to select one number for his lotto ticket. In return for my numerical services he promised me a share in the winnings. I’m still waiting for my cheque in the mail, but it sure did make me go back week after week for the below-average coffee. For me, it was all about the coffee experience, the hope of winning a fortune and possibly getting a good coffee at the same time.

I’m not one of those people who drinks Nescafe Gold. I also am never going to buy one of those coffee filters from the supermarket and spend my weekly coffee money savings on mortgage repayments.
I love a good coffee experience and I openly admit that I’m a Melbourne coffee snob. I should really get myself a tea towel to explain my status… and also it might help me do the dishes.

melbourne coffee snob

Before you read any further I should tell you that I consider Maccas coffee better than Gloria Jeans and I recently spent a whole weekend complaining about “country coffee” because it was too milky. There I said it.

Best coffee in Melbourne: this is hard for me but I’ll go with my top three:

Uncommon:  60 Chapel St, Windsor VIC 3181

Maybe it’s the indoor plants or the cute permanent residency seeking waiters but this place is gorg. Also the food. And the waiters… did I mention them already?! I usually order a second coffee and then make myself leave before ordering a third. BTW, very cute waiters.

Slater Street Bench: 8/431 St Kilda Rd, Melbourne VIC 3004

Anywhere between 8.25am and 11.45am there is a line out the door and around the corner. Uber trendy intellects serve you the coffee and always remember your name. Gold star! I’ve never had any of the sandwiches though, as they look like display homes – they are just too perfect.
*The benches out the front are designed to be sat on in groups. If you sit on the end of one, by yourself, it will flip up and hit you in the back of the head. This legit happened to me… twice. Pay attention but enjoy the delish coffee.

Best soy coffee in Melbourne: (because: I still pretend I’m a flexitarian sometimes)
Kettle Black: 50 Albert Rd, South Melbourne VIC 3205

I’m happy to pay $15 for smashed avo on toast but I’m not crazy about having a deconstructed version where I actually have to smash the avo on my toast myself. However, I will order this as it’s the cheapest thing on the menu and they make the best soy flat white in town.

If I were a better human I would always make coffee at home with my newly-acquired coffee machine. I would also own a Keep Cup… But I’m not a better human, I’m a Melbourne coffee snob.

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