Retired ballroom dancer who loves coffee, all the eats and indoor plants. I've travelled the world as a dancer and I'm now living in Melbourne and I'm just trying my best to avoid tram fines.
Writer, dancer, floral arrangement enthusiast
This being my first Christmas, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I mean there are just so many unknowns! When do I write to Santa? Who is cooking the turkey and how do I maintain a summer body in December… it’s near impossible! Then there’s the shopping, decorating and the endless Christmas catch ups, which – if we’re honest, are just an excuse to drink prosecco and eat mince pies. However, I am quite enjoying those horrific Netflix Christmas movies. You know, the one with the Prince and the snow… the sequel. Oh it’s so bad it’s good! And the Gavin and Stacey Christmas special – the BBC’s finest achievement in my opinion.
Yet all this fuss has got my thinking… who on earth is in charge of styling this event?
My human, of the female variety, is also determined to have me look like my heart is full of Christmas spirit. I hate to tell her it’s full of stubborness and naps. Who wants to wear a ridiculous Christmas themed bow tie?! Just you wait for Christmas day, because I know she’s got a reindeer costume that she can’t wait to strap to my chest and pull over my ears. The fit is horrid and simply does me no justice, yet little does she care. Her Instagram following increases and my popularity inflates her ego. Good for her!
The humans have also erected a tree and tried to decorate in a tasteful fashion, with little success might I add. It looks like the 1980’s have thrown up all over the front room. My room, to be precise! Red, gold and green baubles and shit everywhere. Honestly, have some class!
Wouldn’t it be better to skip all the nonsense and just by kind one another. Just kidding… hand me my presents!
If this is the first time we’ve met, I’m Hector I’m a Mini Dachshund who has recently immigrated from the western suburbs to the bayside area of Melbourne. I’m passionate about Mozart and chicken necks as well as documentary film and morning strolls.
So I must confess I’m here to have a humble brag about graduating from Puppy School this past weekend. Yes, I have completed a four week introduction to puppy socialisation and behaviour, food and nutrition, play engagement, markers and release cues – sit, drop, stand (that’s a lie), recall and a meet and greet with cafe work. I’m exhausted just listing these accomplishments! However, I do look forward to having my Sunday mornings back. Although, I do quite fancy taking up Croquet now that the weather is on the improve. I suspect my human of the male variety can facilitate that kind of activity for me though.
Apologies, I digress.
My humans were hopeful I’d be the star student at Puppy School, but for me it’s always about making the biggest impact. Be the loudest in the room! Accidentally wee on the floor just before we are about to leave. Pretend to be frightened of the tiny female Mini Dachshund as we lock eyes from across the room. You see to me it’s all just a big show. An opportunity to let my humour and charming personality capture all those who encounter me. Also, Puppy School should be renamed ‘The Poached Chook Buffet’. Every time you take a seat or pretend you’ve reacted to a cue you get hand fed a piece of chicken. It’s glorious I tell you!
‘Hec-tAAHH + Sit’ = Chicken.
Basic mathematics paired with some functional movement and they hand feed me organic poached chicken! No complaints from me.
Despite my jovial tone I really did enjoy Puppy School and it made me realise there is still so much for me to learn. My ambition to take on some higher learning or a completely new topic makes me want to climb into the humans book shelf and educate myself. I’ve noticed a trilogy of novels that have sparked my interest and I suspect they belongs to my female human – 50 Shades of Grey. It sounds most intriguing.
As they say the world’s your poached chicken buffet and I’m secretly relieved that these roommate humans of mine, let me do whatever I like. As if they’d try and stop me!
Before I forget – what are your thoughts on my tie?
Until we meet again.
If you fancy finding out a bit more about me or humans you can do so. If not, stick it up your jacksie!
Recently I went on a couples trip with a group of close to mature mates and it was such a relief to learn we have all reached the point in our lives where we value Cheap Eats. No one was interested in spending our no longer disposable incomes on eating out or utilising the most used app for millenials who fall into the cashed up working professionals demographic – Uber Eats. Instead we all enthusiastically marched in to Aldi. We screamedacross the aisles, the weekly specials and almost emailed France when we learnt cheese, not sourced from the South melbourne market, is more affordable than avocados.
Also, have you noticed there is the option to order Uber Eats while you’re in an Uber? This essentially allows you to be lazy on 2 occasions. Firstly your preferred mode of transport and secondly your preferred mode of food delivery. I can’t help but think that Uber are taking advantage of us millennials who fall into the cashed up working professionals demographic.
Now, as my friends and I stretch out into the realisation that a mortgage is still unachievable and perhaps I’ve missed the fertility boat and freezing my eggs is not an option, as they are too old to be frozen. Or that justifying whacking more items in my online shopping basket to get ‘FREE SHIPPING’ is the answer to financial security? It’s time I drastically change my lifestyle and spending habits before I end up living 80 kms from the CBD and becoming an Uber driver on the weekends!
Embracing this new hippie lifestyle has encouraged the boyfriend and I to take up a weekly ‘Cheap Eats’ competition. The aim is to make the cheapest dinner for the week, by carefully selecting ingredients from the supermarket or utilising what is already in the fridge.There are no rules about nutrition, how edible the meal is or how you source the produce. Scanning through avocados as tomatoes is not frowned upon and if you find a mouldy item in the back of the pantry claim that it’s penicillin and carry on! If you are the person to beat the record not only do you win the week but are awarded an all expenses paid trip to the 7/11 (*transfers not included). The boyfriend is currently holding the Cheap Eats Champ title $9.60.
Cooked chook, Coles wholegrain wraps and almost off, on special, coleslaw
Close 2nd with the great Australian classic $10.50
Spag Bol – hope to Christ you have parmesan cheese in the fridge or you’re up for another $3.29
I got lucky with this one everything was on special $11.69
Mexican burger beef patties, charcoal brioche buns (absolutely on special $0.70 for 2) and Avo, tomato and any other ethnic related condiments on hand
Desperately close to payday treat $12.00
Chicken chipees and a bottle of semi-fancy French bubbles from Aldi
On the go unofficial winner for x1 $4.00
Maccas 3 for $3 small cheeseburger meal and add another sneaky cheese for $1
After a month of this new hippie lifestyle and healthy relationship competitiveness I’m still smashing toasted cheese sangas and agreeing only to social activities that require me to recycle an outfit or pretend I enjoy FREE community events.
How do other people reach financial adulting success? High wages, savings, investments, budgets..? And what does the future hold for me… meal prep?
This is not one of those blogs you read about the health benefits of exercise and how it dramatically changed my life.
It’s about how I became an F45 wanker, for all the wrong reasons.
Somehow, despite my love of a Maccas detour on the way to work I’ve turned into someone who sets their alarm at 5:35am and enjoys sweating with strangers. Who you do not have to talk to I might add. Everyone just pretends to be looking at the demo screen, trying not to notice that the communal yoga mat/bike seat/sandbag is covered in other peoples sweat. Then in 45 minutes your done. Cooked.
I joined F45 2 weeks before Christmas in the hope that I could eat and drink as much festive cheer as possible over the silly season, and not be reduced to wearing leggings as pants indefinitely. I smashed the one week trial and even considered doing double sessions just to get the most out of it. I had no intention of actually signing up. Then I got on the scales.
Originally I thought exercise would help me lose a few kegs. But, thus far I’ve only lost a kilo and to be honest I’m ok with it. I’ve thrown out all my belly tops and I’m not ashamed to say that I own more than one item from the Asos maternity range. Heaps comfy.
But here I am paying a fortune to be yelled at and my 6 pack is still covered in cake! So how did I become one of those F45 wankers?!
First of all, it’s only 45 minutes. It’s not very long and you can just get in and get it done. Basically it takes the same amount of time to watch one episode of The Real Housewives of anywhere!
By doing the 6am class I’m home by 6.50am. Which means I then have 1 hour and 20 minutes to myself in the morning. That’s a like a lifetime to me. I make a coffee then sit on the couch and watch the morning shows in my knickers. Sometimes I even iron my work outfit.
Also, I have a crush on one of the trainers. Because she never yells at me and only wants to talk shit about her weekend.
Look I’m sure I’m getting fitter, losing weight (slowly) and prolonging my life span but I admit I became an F45 for all the wrong reasons.
This new found exercise enthusiasm is more of a shock to me than it is to you. I mean really, who wants to spend their wine budget on getting out of bed to jump off boxes?!
I’m just going to cut to the chase here so there is no further confusion.
If you are excited about the return of the $2 Double Cheeseburger from McDonald’s (…as I was) then I’ve got some important information that you NEED to know.
When ordering your favourite food group, at any of the 900 locations Australia wide, please be very specific with your choice of words. If you say: ‘DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER’, you will be charged $4.65. BUT if you say the word: ‘McDOUBLE’, this will only cost you $2.
Why is there a price difference and as if anyone would pay $2.65 more?
Well, I did and here’s what I learnt.
The key difference between a Double Cheeseburger and a McDouble is that a Double Cheeseburger has 2 slices of cheese, a McDouble has only one.
Any Sneaky Cheese enthusiast will know that the cheese/meat ratio is integral to the quality of the cheeseburger. Regardless of which burger joint you go to, lack of cheese may result in: depression, anger and or mixed feelings about becoming a vegan.
At present McDonald’s is attempting a rebrand, launching a marketing campaign claiming to provide fine dining and being: ‘A little bit fancy’. There is nothing fine or fancy about disproportion of cheese! Especially because it’s not a delicate slice of cheese sourced from France or the wanky section of the supermarket. It’s that shit yellow, highly processed plastic cheese.
SNEAKY tactics to secure sales from ill informed cheeseburger consumers is unacceptable. As a Sneaky Cheese Enthusiast myself, I would hate for anyone else to suffer from this devastating misuse of jargon. The confusion between these ‘DOUBLE’ cheeseburger related products should be taken seriously. The situation has been escalated to a level, which not only endangers the public but also McDonald’s employees.
Personally I apologise to the kid behind the register who was subject to my outrage and witnessed my findings in relation to cheese/meat ratios.
To all Sneaky Cheese Enthusiasts please take note of this information, share accordingly and good luck.
This public service announcement is in no way intended to deter you from indulging in any of McDonald’s (and their affiliates) Sneaky Cheese products.
Women all over Australia are experiencing the same awful truth. ‘The Ashes’ has returned for yet another year.
Despite being told it’s un-Australian, cricket season is the most dreaded summer activity for 95% of Australian women. Ok I made that up, but I’m prepared to add it to a Wikipedia page to increase credibility.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but cricket is boring. And having it on the telly for the entire summer is worse than volunteering to host Xmas lunch with your in laws.
So with the completion of the first test, reluctantly, we are faced with 4 more test matches. Which means up to 20 more days of cricket. Yep, that many. So here’s everything you need to know to survive the rest of ‘The Ashes’.
There are 5 test matches per series and each is alternated between England and Australia. Always in the summer of the host country. This is purely so the telecast can be watched in the comfort of an air conditioned living room.
When in Australia, the first test is held in Brisbane. The only good thing about this is the Gabba has introduced a Pool Deck inside the stadium. Where you can dip your toes, drink frothies and wait patiently for a marriage proposal.
Tickets to the 1st day of the Boxing Day test held in Melbourne are hotter than an all inclusive backstage pass to Beyonce. So if you happen across some, either gift them to your other half and regain the rights to your lounge room. Or sell them on eBay and use the cash to buy yourself a second telly.
The last day of ‘The Ashes’ series is held in Sydney on January 8th. Set a reminder in your phone now. Because after this date you’ll see cricketers in coloured kits instead of whites and that’s your cue to grab the remote and a bottle of wine. Your air conditioned telly rights have been returned and it’s time to binge watch Netflix
Starting a digital detox on holiday wasn’t one of my better ideas. You need Google maps to win at life and how do you know where the nearest Burger King is?
I believe you can no longer find a job, a house or a life partner without the use of the internet. Our lives are so tuned to using devices to access all of Google’s knowledge that the convenience of this once considered luxury is now just part of our all day e’ryday. And I can’t remember how I used to survive without constantly sourcing information from a cracked iPhone screen. Or how I used to wash my face before makeup wipes were a thing.
So I suggested that, on our non adventurous one week holiday to New Zealand, the boyfriend and I spend one day (just one) doing a digital detox. No phones, tablets, computers, laptops or telly! I also stipulated that it wouldn’t happen on my birthday because I want to read all the nice things people write about me on my Facebook wall. We decide that Thursday could be a good day but by Tuesday we have already pushed it back to Saturday, because… well just because.
We quickly discover that travelling without the interweb requires a lot of research and planning and restricts the ability to discover accurate opening hours for the nearest Burger King.
I really liked the idea of disconnecting from my digitally consumed life and being on holiday seemed the best place to be able to do so. In my mind I was going to be meditating and staring into Billy’s eyes for the best part of the day. But in reality I was sending emails from my iPad while simultaneously checking my Facebook notifications on my laptop while Billy was at the gym.
I was ill prepared in my pursuit of digital detox success. But here’s what I learnt:
5 tips to achieve Digital Detox Success
Don’t do it on holiday
Rule one. Don’t do it on a day where you need to use the interweb. Just don’t.
A lazy Sunday or one of those boring days between Christmas and New Year, that would be a good day to attempt a digital detox. Choose a day where you don’t have to answer anyones emails, texts, Instagram tags or dick pics.
Shit to do
Make a plan. Sort out what you are going to do for the day and make it either enjoyable or productive. Go for breakfast, colour in, jog around the park, spend the day with your mother in-law, try and remember your MyGov password without reset prompts (this is a joke – DO NOT attempt this because you will fail). You’ll have a better chance of digital detox success if you are occupied and kept busy.
Wear a watch
Buy yourself a watch. Or if you already have one then wear it and use it to tell time. I’m very guilty of this. Sometimes I’ll be sitting at my computer, looking at screen, and I know the time is ALWAYS displayed in the bottom right hand corner. But I reach over to my phone, illuminate the cracked glass and see that it’s only 3 minutes since I last checked my phone. I have no missed calls, eBay notifications or unsolicited dick pics! Sigh. Wanting to know the time is just an excuse to check my phone.
Wear a watch.
Sephora rewards system
Ultimately the reward of a digital detox is that you can spend time with yourself and others without digitally infused distractions. But there is nothing wrong with a bit of a incentive in the form of a reward. And best that this rewards system that is a deterrent and at the same time somewhat beneficial. For example I negotiated that if Billy were to accidentally grab his phone, turn it on, use his fingerprint to open the security feature and view a golf related YouTube tutorial I would receive a reward for not doing that. Each digital detox fail equates to $5 Sephora dollars.
*Sephora dollars can be redeemed via goods listed in a preprepared word document which will be emailed to the boyfriend who is currently on his way to Vegas for a “work conference”.
Tell your mates
Inform people of your plan to spend the day without the use of intellectual property belonging to Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or that rich bloke Miranda Kerr just married. As I learnt, if you tell every person you know that you are doing a: ‘Digital Detox’ they are going to ask you how it went. So if you fail, as I did, then you’ll wish you hadn’t banged on about it for a week leading up to the event. Tell your mates and make a commitment to yourself. That will ensure you’re more likely to attempt, persist and succeed.
I’m basically Anthony Robbins over here!
Never give up, giving up.
I may have stolen this from an advertising campaign that is aimed at highlighting a practice that is slightly more damaging to your health than electronic devices, but the message is still relevant.
Never give up, giving up electronic device addiction.
I tried to do a whole day of digital detox and only made it through a breakfast and a 4 hour car trip (even if we did use Google maps as a navigational device on said car trip). I’ll attempt to do another digital detox and this time I’ll be better prepared.
Maybe I’ll do it on one of those boring days between Christmas and New Year… After I’ve have read all the nice things people have written about me on my Facebook wall.
When people ask me where I’m from I say: ‘I’m a skippy. I’m really really Australian.’
It’s true. I’m a white kid, from the country who is sometimes accidentally racist.
I grew up in Ballarat before the City Council introduced a refugee program, but during the whole Pauline Hanson: ‘Please explain’, (for lack of a better word) episode. There was one Asian girl in my year, and there were 200 kids total. I’m no mathlete but that makes her .05 % of the population. The whole time we were at high school together, I just assumed her Mum was Asian but she was actually adopted from Korea. Since we’ve left school Kym and I have become very good friends and I have discovered she too is a white kid, from the country who is sometimes accidentally racist. When people ask her where she’s from she knows they don’t want to hear: Ballarat, and she can’t be arsed entertaining them so she just gets to the point.
‘Korea. South Korea, not bad Korea.’
I guess my point is, that although I’m well travelled I am also very ignorant when it comes to any influence from a different culture. Don’t get me wrong, it is in no way an excuse for being accidentally racist, or just plain racist, but I have had very little exposure to people who are unlike me.
That is, until I met Billy.
Here I was 30 years old going about my ‘white kid, from the country who is OFTEN accidentally racist’ life when I met my Asian boyfriend.
People assume that Billy is Polynesian and with that they also assume he was either born in NZ, Hawaii or Mexico (..?!) and lots of people think he looks like Bruno Mars, which he is secretly stoked about.
Billy was born in Thailand, his Mum is Thai and his Dad is Aussie. He grew up in Melbourne’s south east and is a bit of a yuppie who wears chinos, drinks turmeric lattes and only listens to SEN radio. But he has taught me lots about how it was different for him growing up and also there are so many things my ‘white kid, from a country town who is ALWAYS accidentally racist’ upbringing could have never have taught me.
Here are 7 Things I’ve learnt from my Asian boyfriend!
1. Spring rolls in lettuce and mint
The authentic way to eat Vietnamese spring rolls is to wrap them in lettuce and mint and then dip them in the dipping sauce. It’s honestly the best because you don’t have to wait for them to cool down as much and it’s semi healthy. Trust me once you’ve tried this you’ll never want to eat a spring roll on it’s own again!
2. It’s pronounced: Poo-ket, not Foo-ket
I avoided saying this word in front of Billy for a long time but then I saw a cheap flight in the travel section of the Herald Sun and said:
‘Let’s go to Foo-ket!’
Billy looked at me with a slight smile but I could see from the twitch in his brow this was a common occurance, having to explain the correct pronunciation, for him. And really he was thinking: ‘Who dis ignorant white girl?’
But he calmly went on to explain:
‘First of all it’s Poo-ket…’
3. How to use chopsticks!
The first time I ever used chopsticks was at a Chinese restaurant in Blackpool when I was 19 years old. I sat down with my dance partner, also a white kid, from the country who was sometimes accidentally racist, and 10 wealthy well to-do ladies from Hong Kong (one of them was Donald Trumps realtor at the time). Look, I tried my best but left the restaurant a little bit embarrassed and a lot hungry. I absolutely made a trip to Maccas on the way back to my hotel. Needless to say I was super impressed when I discovered Billy is able to eat Maccas, chips and gravy, with chopsticks.
4. Tiger Woods is half Thai
I always just thought he was of African American descent (are we still allowed to say African American?!). But Billy informs me that Tiger woods is also half Thai. Both Billy and Tiger have a Thai mother, and due to this genetic resemblance that should mean that Billy has the same golfing ability as Tiger. I’m not convinced that’s how it actually works…
5. Agreeing with David Oldfield is frowned upon
Last year SBS did this series where they put privileged white celebrities in Aboriginal communities. Ray Martin hosted and I remember him interviewing David Oldfield at the completion of the experience and his opinion towards implementing change for these people hadn’t altered in the slightest. He then said something that I agreed with. Not only did this expose my political views in an unflattering light it also made it harder to convince Billy that watching Lisa Oldfield on ‘The Real Housewives of Sydney’ was not in anyway influencing my lifestyle ideals…
6. A Ricemobile or a Ricer
You know those cars that are all decked out with a flash paint job, big exhausts and spoilers? Lots of cosmetic additions but probably unable to drag your Nan at the lights. Well apparently these are called Ricemobiles or adding any of these useless accessories to your shit heap of a car is called: Ricing!
7. Just cos your Asian doesn’t mean you’re a mathlete
Darling, you are still paying the hot water bill for the place you lived at 3 years ago… call them and have it disconnected.
It all started when I saw The Bachelorette shirtless puppy spread in the New Weekly last week. I showed a few girls around the office before ripping out the page Apollo was on. I then, glanced at the empty notice board that occupies my work desk and thought: That’s a good place to put it.
For those of you who don’t know Apollo…
Apollo is a current contestant on The Bachelorette and if I were Sophie Monk I would have tapped a spoon on my glass of bubbles during the first cocktail party and sent all those other bozo’s home. Apollo you are the winner, you may stay and win my heart, a tacky piece of jewellery and any media commitments I am contracted to after this show. Alacazam!
I wish I knew more about Apollo, other than his age (24) and his ability to rock a tweed waistcoat (highly commended). He even looks sexy af in tweed?! But look, all you really need to know is that he’s a magician. Ladies, if you can’t recognise the benefits of dating a magician consider their most exercised body part. It’s their hands. I’m just going to leave you with that thought.
Although, I was more than happy with Apollo I thought why not add some more good looking people to this ugly vacant notice board. It will surely make me a more productive, energetic, exemplary employee!
The following pictures have since been approved for display on: ‘The great wall of really really ridiculussly good looking people’
This is my boyfriend, Billy. I not only added him to the wall as per his request but also because I do think he’s unbelievably handsome. Just after we started seeing each other we were at a BBQ and he followed modern day social etiquette by adding this bloke who he’d just met, to Facebook. I stood witness to the beginning of a true friendship. Billy’s new mate looked at his profile pic (this photo) and said: ‘Jesus. You look like a supermodel in this photo.’
To which my normally shy, modest, humble Billy replied. ‘Yeah I know. That’s why it’s my profile pic.’
Turns out Dereck Zoolander and Billy have more in common than you might think.
*this content was approved by Mr Billy Robinson before publication
After careful consideration I have elected Chris Pine as my celebrity pass.
(Don’t get the Hollywood Chris Pine confused with the politician Chris Pyne, cos there is a big difference)
I first announced that Chris Pine was my celebrity pass during the opening credits of ‘Wonder Woman’. Billy hurriedly also announced that his leave pass was Gal Gadot. Without hesitation I added: ‘Her and I are basically the same.’
…You lucky bastard!
*Both Chris Pine and Gal Gadot were added to: ‘The great wall of really really ridiculously good looking people’ after my boss had a quiet word to me about sexism in the workplace.
I will never get over the fact that he wasn’t cast as Christian Grey. Never.
This photo of Matty J and his nephew, George and a few other kids he borrowed (kipnappped) for the day, is saved on my computer as: ‘Ovaries Exploding’.
Dean Cain (AKA The 90’s Superman)
If you’re to young to remember ‘Lois and Clarke – The new adventures of superman’, too bad I’m not going to explain – Google it! I had a huge poster of Dean Cain in my room while my sister was busy gawking at Devon Sawa. Gross. I’ve also just realised that this show may also be where I got an unrealistic expectation of what is really underneath a man’s clothing.
Approved request from 23 year old work colleague.
To be honest I kinda always get Tom Hardy mixed up with Tom Brady and then I have to have the conversation about Gisele Bundchen being a home wrecker. That’s when I remember having the same conversation with someone else the last time I got Tom Brady confused with Tom Hardy. Its confusing but I have learnt that it’s best just to remember him as the other bloke in ‘The Revenant’. The guy that you cannot understand a word he says. Also if you haven’t seen his best film: ‘Locke’, you absolutely should.
Complying with the workplace sexism policy by adding my girl crush to the wall. Blake Lively was also submitted but was unfortunately rejected by the approval process… She is married to Ryan Reynolds FFS! That bitch it lucky enough, she can’t have everything.
If you would like to make your own submission to: ‘The great wall of really really ridiculussly good looking people’ you can do so via email: firstname.lastname@example.org
*don’t be offended if your submission is not approved.
… And Mum, don’t even bother submitting Kevin Bacon, not a chance.