If you’re anything like me you love any kind of guilty pleasure trashy TV. Especially the Bachie. You watch. You cringe. You laugh. You get all the feels.
I love it so much that I even watched the low budget British version with Spencer Matthews (Pippa Middelton’s new brother in law). That was until the episode where the girls were forced against their will (I imagine) to do their own make up and perform a self written rap song in the English countryside. While the Bachie sat on a fishing chair with a flask of port. Both talent and lighting were lacking significantly on this date and I could no longer watch as the trash turned to sewerage.
However, this could never deter me from the Aussie version. In fact, I’ve even applied to be a Bachie contestant myself. Even though it’s a tedious process, as it does take 8 hours to complete the online application and then there is a good 4 month processing period. I was stoked to finally received a call back! Although I did neglect to attend the audition for fear I would be asked to do topless jelly wrestling at the group audition. I would have been cast for all the wrong reasons.
So you can imagine my delight when I was informed that the newest Bachie: Matty J would be attending my workplace (… I work in an office not a makeshift rap venue in the English countryside).
In the lead up to Matty J’s arrival I sent my colleagues a daily meme of him and his gorgeous head of hair.
I campaigned for custom t-shirts and suggested serving champagne on arrival. Alas, both of these ideas were rejected by the finance manager.
I was now forced to produce my own low budget Bachie.
Monday 5th June 2017: Matty J Day!
I expected him to be late but 25 minutes was almost more than my nerves could take. I kept peering out over my desk to see if he had arrived. Every time I heard someone get out of the lift my heart would race and I’d get a hot flush. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re rocking up to a tinder date or standing on a packed tram. Then finally I see that lush brown hair floating through the doorway and into my office. I took a deep breathe and stood up from my desk. Calmly I shook his hand while casually saying:
‘You must be Matty J..?’
‘I’m Abbey welcome to Starcom. I am the most excited that you’re here.’
He still says nothing.
‘I’ll let everyone else know you’re here.’
It’s at this point I recognise the the sentiment on his face. I’ve seen it before, many times before. It’s a mix of terror, discomfort and the feeling that you’ve just met a crazy.
Still, I continue.
I take 10 steps towards the office space and scream into the open plan area:
What I’ve also failed to mention is that I’m dressed in a flamingo pink satin hand beaded ball gown that I purchased from the op shop for $25. I figured that he would feel more comfortable around a female in a ball gown, but I think it had the exact opposite effect.
I will absolutely be adding the $25 I spent on the dress to my work expense claim this week.