How to IKEA

‘Death, taxes and cracking the shits at IKEA’

…I think that’s how the saying goes anyway.

Due to a recent IKEA experience I now recommend the following tips on: How to IKEA

 

  • Follow the Yellowbrick Road

    You might think there is  a short cut or that there is a better way to navigate your way around the flat pack maze but there isn’t. Some powerful mastermind has designed the store layout and if you deviate it may cause: anger, frustration and or divorce. Please take caution when considering an “alternative” route (…there is no alternative route).

  • Stay hydrated

    I’m pretty sure Usian Bolt couldn’t make it through IKEA in less than 45 minutes so there is no way you’ll be able to. I strongly recommend having a coffee before you leave the house and then grabbing a traveller before stepping foot in IKEA. But make sure you have a bottle of water. Also, don’t even worry if you’ve crushed up some valium and in makes its way in the water.

  • Take clear, accurate, unfiltered high res photos

    If you write the product number down – you’re doing it wrong. Take a photo of the assembled product and the tag or you’ll get to the end and have NFI what you actually want.

  • Patience is a virtue

    We all know the kids section is a bloody nightmare and the inconsiderate people walk around that place like they are on holiday in the tropics. There is no benefit in trying to get past these people as they will eventually find you and make it worse. Take deep breaths, play with a fidget spinner, look at your partner and roll your eyes. Do anything to avoid confrontation.

  • Don’t leave without buying 6 wine glasses

    They are so cheap and you can never have enough. Who cares if you break them you’ve got a spare half dozen from the last time you went to IKEA remember.

ikeagif

IKEA Experience Recap

Recently the boyfriend and I moved in together and as soon as we signed the lease we made storage solutions our priority. We even did a dry run at Springvale IKEA. This gave us a chance to learn the ropes of How to IKEA without the pressure of having to make a purchase. It was a good pre-season.

When we return a few weeks later, for the live play we have greatly underestimated our ignorance. After making it to almost full time we are without incident. But once we pay for our flat packed goods we realise 2 things: we need to get our flat packed dream in the car and we have no game plan for this play. So we wing it.

The boyfriend goes and gets the car I stand in the pick up area and wait until I see his car then move towards the next vacant bay. I sense that everyone around me is feeling anxious but I am feeling proud. I’ve stuck to my guidelines and found what is almost an anomaly: success at IKEA.

My smugness is short lived.

*This is the part where I should tell you that at Richmond IKEA the pick up bays are located at the exit gate of the car park. There are two lanes. One for exiting the complex completely, the other for picking up flat packed dreams from IKEA. It’s a little bit tricky and you have to have your wits about you. If you’re in the wrong lane for the IKEA pick up bay, you’ll have to exit the carpark completely and then reenter all over again – basically it ruins your day.

The boyfriend backs into a car bay. I then, only then, notice a woman standing at the edge of the car space. She has her hands on her head and is groaning as if something has ruined her day. I notice her frustration and momentarily feel sorry for her. Until I realise she has been waiting for her boyfriend to back into the same car bay.

This is my accurate account of the dialogue that passed between us (Team Rolo) and them (Team Cracking the shits at IKEA) 

‘I’m really sorry. We’ll be really quick’

‘You can’t just do that!’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.’

‘That was really rude!

‘SORRY.’

‘We’re allowed to be annoyed!’

..? F$%^ing SORRY!!!!

Team Rolo quickly gets in the car and drives off in silence. After we leave the postcode we start to unpack what has just happened to us as we are still unsure of IKEA pick up bay etiquette and where our pre season failed. While Team cracking the shits at IKEA are likely still packing their car and contemplating a divorce.

 

bringbackthebiff
Now available @ IKEA… Same place you get the hotdogs

 

Bachie Recap 

If you’re anything like me you love any kind of guilty pleasure trashy TV. Especially the Bachie. You watch. You cringe. You laugh. You get all the feels.
I love it so much that I even watched the low budget British version with Spencer Matthews (Pippa Middelton’s new brother in law). That was until the episode where the girls were forced against their will (I imagine) to do their own make up and perform a self written rap song in the English countryside. While the Bachie sat on a fishing chair with a flask of port. Both talent and lighting were lacking significantly on this date and I could no longer watch as the trash turned to sewerage.
However, this could never deter me from the Aussie version. In fact, I’ve even applied to be a Bachie contestant myself. Even though it’s a tedious process, as it does take 8 hours to complete the online application and then there is a good 4 month processing period.  I was stoked to finally received a call back! Although I did neglect to attend the audition for fear I would be asked to do topless jelly wrestling at the group audition. I would have been cast for all the wrong reasons.
So you can imagine my delight when I was informed that the newest Bachie: Matty J would be attending my workplace (… I work in an office not a makeshift rap venue in the English countryside).

In the lead up to Matty J’s arrival I sent my colleagues a daily meme of him and his gorgeous head of hair.

I campaigned for custom t-shirts and suggested serving champagne on arrival. Alas, both of these ideas were rejected by the finance manager.

I was now forced to produce my own low budget Bachie.

Monday 5th June 2017: Matty J Day! 

I expected him to be late but 25 minutes was almost more than my nerves could take. I kept peering out over my desk to see if he had arrived. Every time I heard someone get out of the lift my heart would race and I’d get a hot flush. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re rocking up to a tinder date or standing on a packed tram. Then finally I see that lush brown hair floating through the doorway and into my office. I took a deep breathe and stood up from my desk. Calmly I shook his hand while casually saying:

‘You must be Matty J..?’ 

He nods.

I continue.

‘I’m Abbey welcome to Starcom. I am the most excited that you’re here.’ 

He still says nothing.

I continue.

‘I’ll let everyone else know you’re here.’ 

It’s at this point I recognise the the sentiment on his face. I’ve seen it before, many times before. It’s a mix of terror, discomfort and the feeling that you’ve just met a crazy.

Still, I continue.

I take 10 steps towards the office space and scream into the open plan area:

‘HE’S HERE!!!!’ 



What I’ve also failed to mention is that I’m dressed in a flamingo pink satin hand beaded ball gown that I purchased from the op shop for $25. I figured that he would feel more comfortable around a female in a ball gown, but I think it had the exact opposite effect.

I will absolutely be adding the $25 I spent on the dress to my work expense claim this week.

Defs dancing here
That’s the look. The look of terror, discomfort and when you know you’ve just met a crazy!

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