I have an adult handbag. I use this handbag on the daily and also as my going out handbag because it has all the things I need for my adult life. Lip balm, perfume, hair comb, USB drive, lip stick, coin purse, 1 maxed out credit card and the key to my flat (I have 1 key for my life… the key to my flat. No other keys). My boyfriend, who gifted me the bag and 75% of the contents in it, believes he is encouraging me to be a pretentious South Yarra housewife. Little does he know, I need no encouragement.
As I lined up outside the heaving club/pub/night club in St Kilda my first thought was: ‘I’m so glad it’s not cold, I would hate to be lining up for this place if I was freezing my tits off’. My second thought was why do girls ‘these days’ ( that’s my favourite phrases these days…) insist on wearing shorty shorts..? It is a very hard cut to pull off, especially if you are also showing a significant amount of skin above the waist. My third thought was: 95. The year on the back of that licence is 95. The one I’m holding says 85. I’m definitely not wearing shorty shorts. I’m actually wearing my comfy undies that I sometimes wear to the gym… and a knee length dress that also covers my arms. We don’t even wait for the bouncer to snigger at the ’85’ on the back of our licences. We go across the road to a quiet bar where they play the ‘Friends’ theme song.
“See! They like my music.”The balding bartender tells his much younger colleague. She’s also a bartender. Also wearing shorty shorts.
Four hours and 3 voddy red bulls later I’m a shell of my former self. My former would be wearing shorty shorts self.
I didn’t even have a shot during pre drinks. I pretended to and then tipped it in my chaser and took it with me in the Uber as a traveller.
Now I’m using the fire hose reel as a resting place because I’m so tired. Not drunk, tired. Some guy has just apologised for bothering us. Unable to accept his apology I shoo him away. With my hand, like he’s a insect.
I’ve been to a couple of Hens parties and I really enjoy the canapés and stripper combo. To me it’s like having your cake and eating it to. I personally love going to a Hens do and I’ve even considered having some elective surgery before one scheduled for early next year. Just some casual Botox. It quite stressful when you are the event organiser but I believe there are 3 very important guidelines to follow in order to achieve a successful Hen’s night. Here they are:
1. ASK the Bride if she wants a stripper. You have to ask her because if you get her one and she doesn’t want one she’ll hate it. But if you get don’t get one and she wants one she’ll hate you. Also be sure to explain exactly what kind of stripper you are getting. Strippers dressed as Marvel characters are not to be over looked. Let’s not forget that Wolverine is actually Hugh Jackman.
2. Stay hydrated – it’s sensible. And wear a sensible shoes. Ones you’ve already worn in, like your work shoes. You also won’t really care if some girl wearing shorty shorts accidentally pours red bull over them either. Basically just be sensible.
3. Request: ‘Gold Digger’ – even though a wedding is about love and commitment for better it worse richer or poorer we’ve all thought about the richer possibility a lot more than the poorer. That song makes every girl imagine her life with an adult handbag containing a gold Amex and a wad of cash that suggest you ain’t messing with no broke &$@?!#%
Another thing. When did people start wearing Ralph Lauren shirts to go out?