because: golf

I bought a pair of beige knee-length straight-leg chino shorts last week. $12 from Target. Didn’t even try them on. Just held them up against my hips and thought to myself:
‘I wonder if I should get two pairs?’…

I needed these chino shorts to wear to my golf lesson. Even though I recognise that I will not only look like a retiree, but this is also my first ever golf lesson. I have never even held a golf club and here I am rocking up to golf 101 fully decked out. I do kinda wish I had a visor though, that would really have completed my look. Then I realised that if someone came to one of my beginner dance classes and they were dressed head to toe in ‘ballroom dance’ I would think they were a dickhead.
Calm down, it’s your first go!
What if you’re terrible?
What if you hate it?
What if you look like a dickhead?!

In my head I’m very good at golf. I’ve heard for years and years that ballroom dancers are quite good because of the similarities in the fundamentals of both ballroom dancing and golf. I wish I could say I have wanted to play golf for health benefits or even a sentimental reason. Mainly, it’s because I think I’ll be very skilled at golf and I only enjoy doing things I’m good at.


And the vision I have of me playing golf is that of a good swing accompanied by a well-styled outfit. It doesn’t occur to me that I could be bad at golf until I hold the club in my hand and attempt to hit the ball and miss completely. Several times. I thought my total ignorance might be advantageous. No bad habits. No prior misconceptions. But, no advantages were taken.

When asked if I knew what the bottom of the club was called my response was: ‘the bottom of the club’ (it’s called the sole btw). I literally have no information about golf and I haven’t even pretended to do any form of research, yet I still think I’m good at golf. I did panic when the instructor said the phrase ‘on the green’ and looked at me. I assume he was referring to the grass area… but I can’t be sure.

Admittedly, I did watch a women’s tournament that was played on the ABC a few weeks ago but all I kept thinking was: ‘What are they wearing?’ I signed up to three women’s golf attire websites (I use the word attire because the word fashion between ‘golf’ and ‘women’ is an oxymoron) the next day and they are all terrible. The best thing you can buy is an ill-fitting baby pink polo shirt or this leopard print cardi.



Surely golf attire has bounced over Stella McCartney’s desk? Or do real women golfers buy their outfits from Net-a-Porter?

I did have a flick through Australian Golf Digest at work the other day but my very limited golf knowledge still made it difficult to understand what they were on about. Suddenly I’m very aware that maybe golf is far more complex than I realise. My plan of hash tagging golf related words in this post to gain a followers has been re-evaluated and I best spend the week YouTubing golf… things.

I do understand why everyone wears chino shorts though. So comfy. So practical.
Last weekend I was packing my bags for a fancy fishing trip. First thing in the suitcase is my chino shorts …I knew should have bought two pairs.

because: Hen’s Night 1.0 

I have an adult handbag. I use this handbag on the daily and also as my going out handbag because it has all the things I need for my adult life. Lip balm, perfume, hair comb, USB drive, lip stick, coin purse, 1 maxed out credit card and the key to my flat (I have 1 key for my life… the key to my flat. No other keys). My boyfriend, who gifted me the bag and 75% of the contents in it, believes he is encouraging me to be a pretentious South Yarra housewife. Little does he know, I need no encouragement.

As I lined up outside the heaving club/pub/night club in St Kilda my first thought was: ‘I’m so glad it’s not cold, I would hate to be lining up for this place if I was freezing my tits off’. My second thought was why do girls ‘these days’ ( that’s my favourite phrases these days…) insist on wearing shorty shorts..? It is a very hard cut to pull off, especially if you are also showing a significant amount of skin above the waist. My third thought was: 95. The year on the back of that licence is 95. The one I’m holding says 85. I’m definitely not wearing shorty shorts. I’m actually wearing my comfy undies that I sometimes wear to the gym… and a knee length dress that also covers my arms. We don’t even wait for the bouncer to snigger at the ’85’ on the back of our licences. We go across the road to a quiet bar where they play the ‘Friends’ theme song. 
“See! They like my music.”The balding bartender tells his much younger colleague. She’s also a bartender. Also wearing shorty shorts. 

Four hours and 3 voddy red bulls later I’m a shell of my former self. My former would be wearing shorty shorts self. 

I didn’t even have a shot during pre drinks. I pretended to and then tipped it in my chaser and took it with me in the Uber as a traveller. 

Now I’m using the fire hose reel as a resting place because I’m so tired. Not drunk, tired. Some guy has just apologised for bothering us. Unable to accept his apology I shoo him away. With my hand, like he’s a insect. 
I’ve been to a couple of Hens parties and I really enjoy the canapés and stripper combo. To me it’s like having your cake and eating it to. I personally love going to a Hens do and I’ve even considered having some elective surgery before one scheduled for early next year. Just some casual Botox. It quite stressful when you are the event organiser but I believe there are 3 very important guidelines to follow in order to achieve a successful Hen’s night. Here they are: 

1. ASK the Bride if she wants a stripper. You have to ask her because if you get her one and she doesn’t want one she’ll hate it. But if you get don’t get one and she wants one she’ll hate you. Also be sure to explain exactly what kind of stripper you are getting. Strippers dressed as Marvel characters are not to be over looked. Let’s not forget that Wolverine is actually Hugh Jackman. 
2. Stay hydrated – it’s sensible. And wear a sensible shoes. Ones you’ve already worn in, like your work shoes. You also won’t really care if some girl wearing shorty shorts accidentally pours red bull over them either. Basically just be sensible. 

3. Request: ‘Gold Digger’ – even though a wedding is about love and commitment for better it worse richer or poorer we’ve all thought about the richer possibility a lot more than the poorer. That song makes every girl imagine her life with an adult handbag containing a gold Amex and a wad of cash that suggest you ain’t messing with no broke &$@?!#%
Another thing. When did people start wearing Ralph Lauren shirts to go out?

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