because: halloween

‘I know you now, Abbey… You’ll do anything for a Lol!’ – Billy

I have never won a raffle. I have never been on a catamaran without getting drunk and up until this year I had never celebrated Halloween.

Now, I don’t think it is an unreasonable aspiration to want to win Halloween. And by win Halloween, I mean not just being the best dressed at the party or getting more than 11 likes on Instagram, I mean win the whole thing. Like when you fall over on stage and ‘win the show’ or discover that Kimye are really Mormons and ‘win the internet’. All I really want is to achieve is to be that person, to be that image, that is the first to pop up when you Google: “Best Halloween costume ideas”. I just want to win that…

At work I am the self-appointed boss of the footy tipping. And since gaining this position I have insisted on everyone calling me Ross-Boss… Well, three people call me Ross-Boss, but those who do, will find I’m much more efficient at replying to stationary requests and far more willing to suggest Halloween costume ideas.The following conversation takes place with my work colleague three days before Halloween.

‘What are you coming to Halloween as Neville?’

‘I don’t know.’

Awkward silence while we both look at the ceiling and search for ideas. After a moment I wave my hand and head out the door.

‘I’ll email you some ideas’

So I Google: “Best Halloween costume ideas” (obviously on my lunch break and or after work hours…) and I scroll through a lot of terrible ones. Mainly a lot of couples‘ costumes, gum ball machines (righto?!) and apparently two people coming dressed as a pair of tits is a thing.

Then I see this:


I email the picture to Neville immediately. He replies a day and a half later refusing my idea and asking for another. I continue to plead my case explaining the advantages of having a picture of him dressed as the life depiction of ‘Netflix and chill’ on his Tinder account. He doesn’t see the positives so I offer him one more suggestion that will also be advantageous to his social life.

‘Come dressed as Danny Zuko!’

He claims he’s far too conservative to come dressed as Danny Zuko.


Apparently Neville has never seen Grease (the movie or the live musical television adaption starring Julianne Hough). It’s at this point I realise I’m going to have give him a suggestion he is willing to accept. So I offer the scariest yet most conservative character I can think of.

‘Come dressed as an accountant?’

I sense that I have been less than successful in convincing Neville to come as anything I have suggested but I hold out hope that he has rehearsed at least the first verse of: ‘You’re the one that I want’

… Neville turns up to the party clothed in a white sheet. A ghost. He’s come dressed as a ghost.

It took far less convincing to get Billy to come dressed as the monster/scary sci-fi thing from Stranger Things. I wanted to come dressed as Barb obviously because she is everyone’s favourite and I knew that the possibility of winning Halloween would be much greater if I had a counterpart to compliment me. I found Billy a costume online after I pretended to look extensively for a Kill Bill yellow onesie that wasn’t coming from West Africa and would take at least 8 months to ship. He wasn’t that impressed with the idea of being covered in Vaseline for added effect and I even said we could give that a miss but 2 hours before we have to leave for the party he’s texting me to find out where he can buy slime.

‘We must win Halloween at any cost!’ – Billy

Keep you eyes peeled for this pic next year while Goggling: “Best Halloween costume ideas”

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