Let me introduce myself. My name is Hector, I’m a Mini Dachshund from Melbourne. Pleasure to meet you.
Perhaps I tell you a little about my life and the humans who accompany me in my home.
Since immigrating from the Western suburbs to the quaint and family friendly village of Elwood, I have discovered I quite enjoy this bayside lifestyle. Coffee and walk in the morning. Sleep all day, and then wait for the humans to return for yet another walk and then we settle in for the evening. Pour a glass of wine and stimulate the mind with a documentary on politics or those Housewives from every county in America. Despite the humans desperately wanting me to sleep in my ‘house’ (it’s clearly a cage… I’m not stupid!), I insist on joining them on the couch to relax at the end of a long day.
Just to humour myself, I often watch the reaction of my humans as I chew on leaves from the garden rather than the organic chicken they poach for me! My goodness, their faces drop like the British pound when I opt for the Vegetarian menu! You should see how they carry on! They raise voices and grunt “Hec -tAHHH.’ So uncivilised, so unnecessary. But it’s absolutely my favourite after school activity. Sometimes I think to myself how hilarious it would be if I went Vegan! Imagine their faces then!
Another particularly entertaining behaviour of mine, that seems to frustrate the humans, is whenever I empty my bowels outside. They shriek with excitement and of course this only encourages me to do this less and less. I find myself seeking attention by urinating on the floor inside or on the hideous yellow cushion they are determined to have me nap on. Little do they know I shan’t be subject to tacky homewares. Please have some class.
I admit taking walks and meeting new friends is something I’m yet to fully embrace. Why must I be kind and attentive to all those I meet? It seems an unappealing way to live your life.
‘Hello.’ Sit. Shake. Drop. Rollover. “Nice to meet you, C’mon Hec-tAHHH!” Another dog. ‘Hello.’ Sit… and so on and so forth.
How about you just give me a chicken neck and play me some Mozart?! That would be a much better way to live my life and quite frankly, I’d be as happy as a pig in shit!
Anyway, now I’ve introduced myself you know a fragment of where come from and my basic interests. Hopefully you’ll pop back here and find out a bit more about me and my new life, south of the Yarra. If not, fine. Stick it up your jacksie.
Looking forward to becoming more acquainted over time.